Pick One

By, Nan Claire Falkner

The first three patrons at the library thought Sid, the town drunk, was just snoozing. It was almost noon before someone noticed he hadn’t moved.

Yesterday, he had his annual physical and the doctor told him to quit drinking – he was killing himself.

“Can’t do Doc!”

“Well, it’s going to kill you if you don’t stop.” Doc wrote a note on a prescription pad and handed it to him.

When the police got to the library, they found the note in Sid’s hand.

“ 1. Stop drinking or

2. Die. ” the doctor had written.

Sid had circled number two.

Candy Man

 

By, Nan Claire Falkner

Day after day, the yard filled with debris and broken automobile parts. Unpaid bills mounted daily, and because of mild weather the last two years, few of the expensive winter tires had been sold. If a good old-fashioned snow blizzard didn’t come soon, Clark would lose everything – including his common-law- wife, Candy Kane.

Since they married, his accountant has sent emails weekly warning of his dwindling funds. Candy was a serial shopper.

Walking into his house, he saw a note on the counter which read “Clark, I left you for the Michelin Man.”

Her new name would be Candy Man.

Beating the Shopping Rush

By, Nan Claire Falkner

“So, I got the Christmas Wish List from the kids the day after Halloween – and now I’m done shopping!” Margo said talking to her friend Holly.

Amazed, Holly said, “How did you get it all done so fast?”

“Easy silly, I simply called the Santa Helper Hot Line. For a small fee, they will do all the shopping for you, wrap, and ship everything.”

“Really? How does it work?”

“All you have to do is give them all your personal data – social security, bank account numbers, passwords, birthdays, mother’s maiden name – oh, and of course, all your credit card numbers.”

The Legend of Ed the Edsel

By, Nan Claire Falkner

“HELP ME!” Marv sputtered as he was pushed into the last parking place.

“Cheer up! Things could be worse. They dissolved a little blue pill in my gas tank to help with speed and endurance. It’s been over four hours now so I need you to call the shop and tell them to send the tow truck because this is a medical emergency!” Ed begged. “I can’t seem to move.”

Twenty minutes later, the new mechanic with all the answers shut the hood of the car and said “Whew, that was a close one Ed, no more pills for you!”

Board Meeting Adjourned!

 

By, Nan Claire Falkner

“I don’t care what they say. It’s a wonderful idea and could get us out of the financial hole you put us in by next Christmas!” Julia shouted.

“But, there are too many obstacles to overcome – government regulations, especially at a National Cemetery.” Brent pounded his fist against the marble pillar.

“Look Brent, it’s simple. You attach one of these Gravitar boxes on a headstone, press this button and the dearly departed image and voice speaks to you. Simple!”

“Okay, Jules, I’ll get the engineering department working on it, but the public isn’t going to buy it.”

“Yes they will!”