If the Contessa hadn’t been on this extreme diet, he wouldn’t be digging up the back yard. “Lose 10 pounds Overnight” was the catchy slogan for the radical new weight loss program sweeping the Land of Goshen.
“Hey Contessa, how many rings did you lose?” Rusty, the crochety yard man screamed. He had a vile temper.
She, being the epitome of refinement and culture, constantly had blue birds singing while encircling her head. The lovely Contessa sang him an answer: “Due to the rapid weight lose, all five of my gold rings slipped off my fingers while on the throne.”
“My rain galoshes may look older than Methuselah, but they caught your dad!” Laurie told her children, Rachel, Sarah and Trevor. They were mesmerized.
Mama squeaked trying to hold her breath while changing Trevor’s loaded diaper. Sarah fidgeted to keep from laughing. They knew their mother had grown up poor but didn’t know what poor looked like. Mama could see that realism was sinking in. “These boots helped catch your father.” Mama went on “While running to the store, it started to rain and my feet got soaked. In my path was Daddy, fixing his old bicycle with duct tape.”
Katy entered the dimly lit shop with trepidation. In the corner was a basket of kittens. Putting her glasses on she noticed there were drawers filled with animal hair, crushed bugs, a one gallon milk jug of Sloth Juice, Life Blood, glass jars of assorted spiders (poisonous and non-poisonous), a glowing green leather book, rows of filing cabinets and barrels on the floor labeled Finger of Toads, Remedies for the Lonely, Kitty Treats, assorted foul aromas, and a container labeled Incantation and Spell books were alphabetically shelved behind the counter. A grin slowly took root when she read a bulletin marked “Satisfied Customers.”
“How can I help you dearie?” a high pitched voice asked.
Katy looked into the kind eyes of an old woman dressed in black. “Yes Ma’am. I need help with . . . well, a personal matter.”
Wilbur Thompson rested there for over an hour reminiscing about the childhood fishing cabin he and his father had built sixty years earlier. “Where had all the time gone? Heck, where did all the water go?” With a sigh of longing he said “Damn dam!”
For years he had told his wife what it looked like and the fish they would catch together. Afterwards, they would take the fish home and Mama would fry it up with cornmeal on their potbellied stove. “ I wish someone could bring this place back to life!”
“I didn’t do nothing! I’ve been growing three years basking in the sunshine, minding my own business and suddenly, the wind picks up and it gets real dark. The sky opened and here comes this storm whipping at my branches and tearing me apart. WHAM! I get burned by a lightning bolt. The cacti are out to get me. I’m only a Scrub but, I could use a little help here! The weeds are stealing all the water!”
The cacti ran away singing and the last thing the pathetic twig whispered as a gigantic buzzard landed on it was “Crap!”
“Sorry about the furnace honey. Guess we’ll have to sleep by the fireplace tonight.”
“Ooooh you rascal – okay you’re on!” The couple had enjoyed many Christmas days for 46 years having two sons, two beautiful daughters-in-law and six wonderful grandchildren.
But this year was going to be a lonely one for Alan. Ann had lived twenty-one years with the horrid reality that each year, could be her last. Now that she was gone, nothing seemed the same. The Christmas songs brought tears to his eyes.
He looked up and whispered “Merry Christmas my love.”
If You Sprinkle When You Tinkle, Be a Sweetie Wipe the Seaty
By Nan Claire Falkner
Potty Training four boys, we heard different imaginative takes on their “creations.” The first time we coaxed the oldest son to do the deed like a “big boy”, he was joyous. As the others came of “potty” age, each had a different spin on their porcelain deposited designs. Waving ‘bye-bye’ as the offering disappeared down the abyss was a milestone. It was an accomplishment teaching them to grasp the different ways to use the “grown up seat”. With that deed completed, all we had to do is work on the aim.