Archive | March 2014

Being a Tree Hugger While Drunk

Nature MagazineCopyright-John Nixon

By, Nan Claire Falkner

“How did these trees get so twisted?” asked Melinda, reporter for NATURE magazine.

Mother Nature danced and drank all night at the Ball of the Gods last March.” Babs whispered, in a smelly corner booth.

“Well, as it turned out.” Babs slurred, “Mudder (snort snort) went over to Leo’s to have a nightcap,” Babs looked around and took another gulp of her Vodka Martini, “and one thing led to another (snort, hiccup, snort). She didn’t come home ‘till the next day – which was the annual SPRING SOLSTACE PLANTING DAY.”

“OH! Oh.” Melinda said just as Lightning exploded Babs’ house.

Up the Down Elevator

Up the Down Elevator

By, Nan Claire Falkner

“Upstairs Dearie. That’s right, use the lift – right there. Church donations are in Room #13.”

“Thank you Ma’am,” Carrie whispered, opening the gate and entering the rickety contraption. Carrie remembered Steven’s warning. “Don’t look into the Hags Eyes – Wear sunglasses and your black dress.”

Knocking on the door, she could hear movement as rats scurried down the dark hallway. When the door creaked open, Carrie walked slowly.

“Surprise, Happy Birthday!” Everyone screamed.

“Steven! NOT funny!”

Across the hallway, looking through the peephole, the witch licked her lips. “This be easy!” she cackled to Pyewacket, until she saw Carrie’s cross.

Red Woof Inn

Red Woof Inn
By, Nan Claire Falkner

Get ready, get set, GO!

4 black labs took off likety split headed for the red dome.

Each year, the Marsh families had a race and whoever’s dog came in last, had to buy the beer for the next years race. Roly’s owner had won 4 years straight. Fred was tired of buying the beer and really wanted the first prize this year a Brand New Neon Yellow Tennis Ball for his dog, Willie.

Folks said it was pretty low down what he did to win though, he tied his girlfriends foo-foo dog that was in heat, under the dome.

Desert on the Dessert

Desert on the Dessert

By, Nan Claire Falkner

“Daddy! Ice cream fell!”

“Audrey & Max – Hurry!”

Miles shouted “5 second rule!” as the gates of hell opened and the seagulls swooped toward the dome of deliciousness.

Every crab scurried over the pebbles, pinchers clicking as they lifted themselves up and over rocks. Going sideways slowed the criters, but with treats like rocky road ice cream and sand sprinkles, everyone was doing double time.

Grandpa smiled at the vision of chaos unfolding before him. He paid the vendor and gave the cone to Max.

As he reached Max, his shoestrings tangled, the desert on the dessert began again.