Archive | July 2014

Chopsticks

ChopsticksBy, Nan Claire Falkner

“Husband, we need to replace this counter! I have splinters!” Ming-Ming pleaded as he walked in the door.

His daughters were playing Chopsticks on the piano.

“Unexpected expenses have come up – we can’t afford it! I’m hungry!” snapped Charles.

“We’re having your favorite, General Tso’s Chicken.”

Charles didn’t want to talk. He was cheating on her. Today he had leased a patio home near his office for Evie.

“What does your fortune chopsticks say?”

“I’m dumber than a fork?” He said gasping after biting into a killer pepper.

“Husband, perhaps Evie can help you. Water’s on the counter, you prick!”

 

Rambuster 1000

Rambuster 1000By, Nan Claire Falkner

Congratulations!     You have just purchased the world’s best paper shredder. Please read all directions before operating the Rambuster 1000.

  1. Carefully take the Rambuster 1000 out of the packing box.
  2. Plug the Rambuster 1000 into any 110 volt electrical outlet.
  3. Now you are ready to shred any incriminating materials, such as illegal contracts, proof of bonuses received from government; emails sent from L. Lerner to anyone concerning all illegal actions and/or all documents relating to mismanagement of public funds within the IRS; Department of Veterans Affairs;
  4. Read and memorize the 5th amendment.
  5. Hire a good lawyer.

Tornado Alley

Tornado AlleyBy, Nan Claire Falkner

In 1970 Arkansas, there were few basements. The center of the house, or the sturdiest bathroom was considered ‘shelter’ for many during storms.

The family that lived across the street from Elmdale Shopping Center heard the sirens and they dove into the hallway, as they could hear a roaring “train” coming toward them.

Thirty seconds later, it was raining on everyone in their pajamas. Sisters, Debbie and Nancy Emmett held onto each other shaking violently. “Thank you God!” The family survived unharmed – the house wasn’t as lucky.

In the backyard, between lightening bursts, they could see the unused storm shelter.

Rex, King of Mardi Gras

Rex, King of Mardi GrasBy Nan Claire Falkner

Vermin were crawling over the statue in the park which was placed yesterday and now looks like it’s been there for centuries.

We’re so cool!” Teenagers, standing behind the shrubs, started laughing when the police showed up to check on reports of the vandalized statue.

All right kids, come on out behind the bushes!” shouted the officer.

“RUN!”

As they started their escape, it was as if they were tied to the statue, it was following them and then they could feel pressure on their backs, pushing them down into the ground.

Honest captain, they just disappeared into the ground!