Rambuster 1000

Rambuster 1000By, Nan Claire Falkner

Congratulations!     You have just purchased the world’s best paper shredder. Please read all directions before operating the Rambuster 1000.

  1. Carefully take the Rambuster 1000 out of the packing box.
  2. Plug the Rambuster 1000 into any 110 volt electrical outlet.
  3. Now you are ready to shred any incriminating materials, such as illegal contracts, proof of bonuses received from government; emails sent from L. Lerner to anyone concerning all illegal actions and/or all documents relating to mismanagement of public funds within the IRS; Department of Veterans Affairs;
  4. Read and memorize the 5th amendment.
  5. Hire a good lawyer.

64 thoughts on “Rambuster 1000

  1. CUSTOMER FEEDBACK: Thanks for a wonderful product. It worked great. We have recommended it to all our colleagues in other government departments. Regarding that free grant money, you should be receiving it soon. Again, thanks for your public support.

    • Dear Kent, Why thank you so much kind sir! I have a warped sense of humor and I guess I’ve been watching too much news and it has become comical – everyday another scandal. Oh well, why not poke fun at it all! Thanks! Oh, by the way, we do live in Lenexa. Thanks! Nan 🙂

  2. Customer feedback: Pleading the fifth as we speak.

    This was hilarious, clever and a lot of fun to read. Well done Nan!

    • Dear Camgal, Thank you so much. I just started laughing when I saw the picture and had been listening to the news all day long – which is driving everyone nuts. Anyway, thanks for your comment! Nan 🙂

    • Dear Alicia, Thank you so much – I just have been laughing at the news lately because everyday it’s something else that goes wrong and when I saw that poor Ram, all by himself, I couldn’t help it! Thanks and there’s more! Nan 🙂

  3. Nan, That was hilarious. I was laughing out loud. 😀 I just have one question before I buy that product. Do you feed the documents into the mouth? That would be especially realistic. 😀 (Somehow your comment on my story got onto a piece I reblogged about an interesting Froensics blog I though might interest anyone writing thrillers, mystery stories, etc. I just answered it on that blog.) 🙂 —Susan

    • Dear Susan, Yes, the paper feed is through the mouth and then the button is on the nose. The newest model Ram 1000-A works much better than the prototype so we got all the kinks worked out before you buy! Thanks for stopping by! Nan 🙂

    • Dear Mr. Gayer, A Satisfied Customer, We are so pleased you like your Rambuster 1000. The “pelletizing of documents into fertilizer” was a convenient side effect of the machine and we have patented this device so as to save the integrity of the machine for future generations. According to our R & D department, the pellets are really good for plants (the five leaf kind) grown in pots on the potting shed outside your back door. Again, thank you for your feedback.

  4. From the National Security Agency: GAG order in effect. Under penalty of Criminal prosecution, do NOT inform anyone of the following.
    Cease and desist all sales of the Rambuster 1000 or 1000A models. Although there is no patent infringement, our poor interns have had a stink of a time piecing together the documents after they have run their course through the machine. To continue sales, we require installing a beer hat with camera’s mounted in place of cans. In addition, a switch to take pictures will be placed inside the straw. You will then provide us access to a database to upload the photos. Thank you for your cooperation.

    • Dear N.S.A. (Not a Stupid Agency) I received your summons to testify before Congress this morning and want you to know that I have complied with all rules and regulations of your agency. According to “Testifying in front of Congress for Dummies,” from Section A, sub-chapter S, and my lawyer, who is the author of the a fore mentioned book, you cannot place a GAG order on me. B.T.W. beer hats are out of season so I cannot possibly adhere to your request. I also plead the 5th amendment. Nan Falkner 🙂

  5. HELP ! SAVE !!
    My Rambuster is busted. It wont stop even when unplugged – it keeps chewing off whatever it finds. We had a real tug of war saving our Grandpa’s will. I think its RAM got BUSTED !

    P.S. We have temporarily kept it busy – its showing amazing affinity to parking tickets – we have enough stock of it !

    Nan – this is the best piece I have read this week ! 😀

    • Dear Horus, Did you not receive the Emergency Fix-It Kit for the Rambuster 1000-1000A? If not, We at Rambuster wish to apologize for the inconvenience. The kit consists of a large Yellow trashbag and a used sledge hammer. One is on it’s way to you and should be there the second Tuesday of next week. Thanks, the Management.

    • Dear Snow, All you have to do is click your ruby slippers together 3 times and say “I wannaRambuster1000” turn around slowly and it should be under the blanket in the corner of your bedroom. Have a Nice Day! Nan 🙂

    • Dear MythRider, Not only does the shredder work perfectly, it is also good for the environment. There will be no nasty run-off evidence – it’s completely digested. If shredding several documents on the same day, it is advisable to drink a double vodka (a couple of mojito will do nicely also) with limes to help with the digestion process. Please call us again with any other ideas for our marketing department! Thank you! Nan 🙂

  6. Terrific, Nan! Love this piece and get me one of them Rambusters ASAP so I can shred as much of my history as possible. Maybe all of it.
    Super job, you’re putting me and Russell (well maybe not Russell) to shame this week!

    • Dear Perry, No one and I mean No one could put you or Russell to shame! But, we here are Rambuster do appreciate your feedback! A complementary Rambuster 1000A unit will be sent out to you as soon as we do a back-ground check on you. So, you’re telling us that you need to get rid of your history. It can be done lickety split it you send a box full of broken crayons and a $100 bill as soon as possible. (Just kidding – don’t need the money.) Nan 🙂

    • Dear Hafong, Thank you for your order and we will start processing your order as soon as possible. Payment may be made in the form of a true smile. Thank you for your business. Yes, You Will Have A Rambuster – 1000 or 1000A. Which one are you ordering? The management! Nan 🙂

    • Dear Sarah Ann, Thank you for stopping by and the feedback on our Rambuster 1000! We love positive feedback and please tell your friends of our new invention! Please come again! Nan 🙂

    • Dear Ann, The best ever . . . Thank you for checking out our catalog. We do accept smiles, comments, and laughter as payment for our products. So, if you have a funny bone (and I know you do) our products are comparable to the most expensive catalogs in the land. We will be introducing new products and product lines from time to time so please check us out weekly to see if you see something you just ‘have to have’ Thank you and Please come again! Nan 🙂

  7. Great twist on this prompt —- I love the idea and creativity! Absolutely has me smiling from ear to ear —- and where can I get one of these divine products? 😉

    • Dear Pat – wouldn’t it be neat – I’m sure the government has something similar because they continue to loose evidence so easily. So – there has to be one somewhere! Keep looking, on the internet! Thanks for reading! Nan 🙂

      • Lol — indeed — and so we shall continue to search — or just buy a goat or ram, and perhaps try to claim it as a “dependent?” 😉

  8. How on earth did I miss this last week? Absolutely brilliant story, Nan! Creative, funny, unusual and chuckle-inducing idea. The Rambuster might actually happen, you understand, so you’d better patent this idea.

    • Dear Dreamer of Dreams – Gee, I could use the money – but well, the government would probably say it was a conspiracy or something like that and ruin it. Oh well . . . Thanks for stopping by! Nan 🙂

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